{"id":25661,"date":"2023-03-21T11:03:01","date_gmt":"2023-03-21T03:03:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lovezoom.com\/?p=25661"},"modified":"2025-03-21T11:03:51","modified_gmt":"2025-03-21T03:03:51","slug":"intro-to-rough-sex-if-youve-been-too-nervous-to-try-before","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lovezoom.com\/intro-to-rough-sex-if-youve-been-too-nervous-to-try-before\/","title":{"rendered":"Intro To Rough Sex If You’ve Been Too Nervous To Try Before"},"content":{"rendered":"

Discover a world of pleasure with our handpicked, high-quality, and beautiful products, curated with your trust, discretion and body safety in mind.\u00a0<\/strong>Shop now at LoveZoom<\/strong><\/a>.<\/strong><\/p>

You\u2019ve heard people talk about it, and maybe you\u2019ve watched it in a movie or in porn, but you\u2019re still unsure what rough sex and rough play is all about. That\u2019s totally fair, and, truth be told, there\u2019s no solid answer because rough sex means something different to everyone. <\/p>

However, if you and your partner are both hoping to get a bit rougher in the bedroom, we\u2019re here to help you better understand the rough side of sex and ease you into the actual practice of rough play. \u200d<\/strong><\/p>

What is rough sex?<\/strong>\u200d<\/h3>

A general definition of rough sex\u201d and\/or \u201crough play is \u201cwhen aggressive behaviors are incorporated into sexual acts,\u201d\u00a0relationship coach Carmel Jones\u00a0tells O.school. \u201cIt’s usually faster, involves elements of consensual pleasurable pain \u2014 like biting, spanking, slapping, consensual choking, scratching, etc. \u2014 and is often described as ‘passionate’ or ‘kinky.’ \u201d\u200d<\/a><\/p>

Julia Koerwer, LMSW, an NYC-based therapist who works with clients who practice BDSM or kink, tells O.school, \u201cmuch like\u00a0the definition of “kinky,”\u00a0the definition of \u2018rough\u2019 is nebulous and depends on the individual.\u201d For example, one person may consider biting, hair-pulling, and scratching to be \u201crough,\u201d while another person may consider those activities to be more basic. You can define what rough sex means to you based on your personal comfort level.\u00a0\u200d<\/strong><\/p>

Is rough sex BDSM? <\/strong>\u200d<\/h3>

\u201cRough play is just one of the many characteristics of BDSM\u00a0 [bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism], but you don\u2019t have to be involved officially in the BDSM lifestyle in order to have rough sex,\u201d sex and relationship expert, and member of the BDSM community,\u00a0David Essel M. S. O.M., tells O.school.<\/p>

Any sexually active couple might enjoy \u201cbeing in control or being completely submissive and seeing how deep they can go in regards to rough play or rough sex,\u201d Essel says. \u201cBut the main lifestyle in which this becomes a normal part of a couple\u2019s sexual experience would absolutely be in the alternative lifestyle of some form of BDSM.\u201d<\/p>

Jones adds, \u201cRough sex is not BDSM when it doesn’t involve an unequal power dynamic\u2026 If both partners are engaging in rough sex without that element, it’s not technically BDSM. That being said, BDSM can slip in and slip out, but official BDSM rules are usually defined and discussed before two partners engage in it. With rough sex, that isn’t always the case (although a conversation should be had).\u201d\u200d<\/strong><\/p>

Why do people like rough sex?<\/strong>\u200d<\/h3>

There are myriad of reasons why people might enjoy having rough sex, with one reason being that it can feel better than \u201cvanilla sex.\u201d A 2019 study published in\u00a0Evolutionary Psychological Science\u00a0found that \u201crough sex is triggered by curiosity and a need for novelty, and that both men and women often initiate rough sexual behaviors.\u201d And, per\u00a0Men\u2019s Health, the same study, which involved 734 participants, found that rough sex often leads to women orgasming faster, and both men and women answered that their rough sex orgasms were more intense.<\/p>

When it comes to inflicting and\/or receiving consensual pain, orders, and aggressive actions, either scenario can cause arousal depending on the person.<\/p>

\u201cPhysiologically, many people react very positively if they are the initiator of rough sex, they desire to be in control and allow their mind and body to do just what comes naturally to them,\u201d Essel says. \u201cOn the other hand, \u2018the submissive,\u2019 in this scenario of rough play can also physiologically become incredibly aroused as the tension and the degree of rough sex increases.\u201d<\/p>

Again, people like rough sex for different reasons. As long as you\u2019re seeking pleasure for all involved parties, then your want for rough sex is warranted and definitely worth a try.\u200d<\/strong><\/p>

What to consider before engaging in rough sex.<\/strong>\u200d<\/h3>

It\u2019s important to note that what might sound fun to you as a fantasy, might not be fun for you in practice. For that reason it\u2019s very important to ease into rough sex slowly to test the waters of what you do and don\u2019t enjoy. You also need to consider that things you want to try may be triggering to a partner.\u00a0 \u201cA trauma response can be triggered through relatively light rough play in those that have experienced even mild levels of violent trauma previously,\u201d sex therapist and writer at Choosing Therapy\u00a0Indigo Stray Conger LMFT CST,\u00a0tells O.school. \u201cRestriction and impact play can cause injury. Breath restriction is particularly important to practice safely [\u2026]\u201c<\/p>

Discussing mental and\/or physical health issues before having the rough sex discussion is key to being on the same page and keeping everyone involved safe and happy.\u200d<\/strong><\/p>

How to have rough sex if you\u2019ve never tried before. <\/strong>\u200d<\/h3>

Start slow and with the basics. \u201cWhen venturing into new territory, move very slowly, talk too much rather than not enough,\u201d Gender Studies scholar and sexuality and consent expert\u00a0Ariadne Wolf\u00a0tells O.school, \u201cand prioritize the relationship over momentary sexual indulgence.\u201d Jones agrees, telling O.school, \u201cStart in your comfort zone. Don’t do anything wild right off the bat. Ease into it and slowly adjust your boundaries as you become more comfortable.\u201d Check in with yourself and your partner frequently to make sure everything is feeling good and comfortable.\u00a0<\/p>

With that said, here are a few tips for those who are ready to ease into the rough sex territory.\u200d<\/strong><\/p>

1. Get consent.<\/strong><\/h4>

\u200d<\/strong>First, and most importantly, talk to your partner about what\u2019s about to go down and if you\u2019re both okay with it. \u201cWhen we are talking about something potentially dangerous (emotionally or physically) in a sexual setting, there needs to be a talk in order to establish true consent,\u201d Jones reiterates. \u201cAggressive sex without that talk is arguably nonconsensual.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cGet into specifics as much as possible,\u201d Koerwer says. \u201cWhat activities are okay? What parts of the body are okay for which activities? How will we decide when we’re done with one type of play and want to move into something else? How will we check in with each other?\u201d And absolutely\u00a0establish a safe word\u00a0that can be used at any moment to signal a full stop to any activity. Consent can be withdrawn at any time during a sexual act.\u00a0<\/p>

2. Be your own guinea pig.<\/strong><\/h4>

\u200d<\/strong>\u00a0In order to figure out what kind of rough play you might like, it\u2019s important to try it out on yourself first to better inform your partner. \u201cStudies show that different people register very different levels of sensation from the exact same touch, such as a caress, scratch, slap, or pressure, so it\u2019s important to communicate about which sensations feel good to EACH of you,\u201d Relationship and sex coach\u00a0Michele Lisenbury Christensen\u00a0tells O.school.<\/p>

If you think you might enjoy harder thrusting, practice with a sex toy. Or, if you think a nibble here and there could be fun, nibble your own arm first and test the intensity that works for you. Another great way to check out what kind of rough play is available to you is to watch some porn to see what turns you on.\u200d<\/strong><\/p>

3. Get into the right mindset.<\/strong><\/h4>

\u200d<\/strong>\u00a0Set the mood for rough play by\u00a0talking dirty\u00a0with your partner or\u00a0sending a few sexts\u00a0to build up the tension for when the sex actually goes down. If you\u2019re feeling awkward about it, there are ways to\u00a0ease into dirty talk and phone sex, too.\u00a0\u200d<\/strong><\/p>

4. Have the right tools on hand.<\/strong><\/h4>

Before getting down and dirty,\u00a0make sure you have lube\u00a0ready to go. (You can never have enough!) Have things that might feel comforting or sweet to you or your partner after engaging in rough sex \u2014 perhaps candles, comfy pillows, etc. Having water close by is always recommend, too, as rough sex can be a workout.\u00a0\u200d<\/strong><\/p>

5. Get your grab on.<\/strong><\/h4>

When getting into rough sex for the first time, it\u2019s good to start small. Before bringing in any toys (if that\u2019s what you eventually want to try), experiment with some light hair-pulling. Pay attention to what feels good for you and your partner. If you\u2019re enjoying your hair being pulled, you can ask your partner to pull harder. You can grab your partner\u2019s wrists while you kiss, or grab their waist tighter. Positioning your partner to get more handsy than usual is also a great way to set your rough playdate into motion. A firm grab communicates to your partner that you want them, and badly.<\/em>\u200d<\/strong><\/p>

6. Nibble an ear or finger.<\/strong><\/h4>

There\u2019s something cheeky about giving your partner a gentle, yet firm, bite during a make-out session or sex. Start with light biting before leaving any teeth marks \u2014 some people aren\u2019t into the whole Jaws <\/em>thing.<\/p>

7. Kiss harder than you usually do.<\/strong><\/h4>

Christensen recommends engaging in something like, \u201cshoving your partner onto the bed or against the wall and kissing them hard.\u201d Harding kissing, with a good amount of tongue, can also effectively communicate your lust for your partner.<\/p>

8. Put some oomph in your thrusting.<\/strong><\/h4>

\u200d<\/strong> Harder thrusting shows you\u2019re energized, and again, expresses your want for sex in that moment. Plus, it will feel just as great for you as it does them.<\/p>

9. Experiment with speed and pressure.<\/strong><\/h4>

\u200d<\/strong> If you and your partner are enjoying intense kissing or thrusting, then try going faster and harder. You can use dirty talk to communicate whether or not you\u2019re both into it. Something like \u201cYeah, baby, do you like that?\u201d works just fine. <\/p>

10. Try sex positions that allow for more control.<\/strong><\/h4>

\u200d<\/strong> Positioning a partner or yourself up against a wall, while they are behind you, is a great position for rough sex. This allows for tight waist-grabbing, and for more intense movements. You can try slapping their ass, if they\u2019ve okay\u2019ed this action, and you can do more hair-pulling while talking dirty. \u200d<\/strong><\/p>

Aftercare is just as important as taking care of your partner during rough sex. <\/strong>\u200d<\/h3>

Once the sex winds down, check in with yourself and with your partner. Did you both enjoy what just happened? What could you two do differently next time? Koerwer says that discussing the aftercare period before sex might result in a better experience.<\/p>

\u201cHow would you like to be treated by your partner after rough play? Some basics, like making sure you have water on hand, are always a good idea, but would you like to be held or soothed? Do you want to jump right into the shower? Do you want to be left alone?\u201d Koerwer notes.\u200d<\/strong><\/p>

Once you\u2019ve nailed down the basics, you might want to take things to the next level. <\/strong>\u200d<\/h3>

Perhaps once hair pulling, harder thrusting, and grabbing become part of the norm, you can venture into biting, spanking, and minor restriction (rope play, handcuffs, basic bondage, etc.). Again, this upgrade should be a discussion between all involved parties, and safe words should be adhered to. Before trying something like rope play, be sure to educate yourself on how to safely tie and untie ropes. Safety and consent should always be the priority. <\/p>

Once you feel comfortable with different types of rough play, you and your partner can even work within a \u201clevels system,\u201d as Christensen says. \u201cI\u2019ve had clients establish [three] or sometimes [four] different levels of aggression so they both understand what they mean by the shorthand \u2018level 1\u2019 (maybe hard kissing or gentle nips or pressure) or \u2018level 4 (this might leave a welt or a bruise). It\u2019s totally okay for one of you to want to receive more roughness than the other does.\u201d Just be sure to both be on the same page about what you\u2019re willing to do or not. \u200d<\/strong><\/p>

Pleasure during rough play is key, and as long as you\u2019re having fun, you\u2019re doing rough play right.<\/strong> <\/h3>

Remember, if anything hurts too much or feels wrong in any way, stop what you\u2019re doing and communicate how you\u2019re feeling. Although the moves themselves are aggressive, both parties should be open and encourage the sharing of thoughts and feelings. Rough sex should feel good and fun for all involved, and half the fun is experimenting with new forms of play.<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Discover a world of pleasure with our handpicked, high-quality, and beautiful products, curated with your trust, discretion and body safety in mind.\u00a0Shop now at LoveZoom. You\u2019ve heard people talk about it, and maybe you\u2019ve watched it in a movie or in porn, but you\u2019re still unsure what rough sex and rough play is all about. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":25662,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-25661","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-sex-pleasure"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lovezoom.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/25661","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lovezoom.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lovezoom.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lovezoom.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lovezoom.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=25661"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/lovezoom.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/25661\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":25663,"href":"https:\/\/lovezoom.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/25661\/revisions\/25663"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lovezoom.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/25662"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lovezoom.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=25661"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lovezoom.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=25661"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lovezoom.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=25661"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}